When Growth Becomes Toxic

 

This one’s going to be painful but probably in a pretty relatable way, As you know, I am a life-long learner, and I’m obsessed with constantly improving my work, my mindset, and my life. I love being part of a community of like-minded people, and I have always felt like the group gives me identity. It’s opened my mind to see bigger possibilities for myself, but it’s also created a set of goals and expectations that aren’t always in alignment with my true nature.

What I’ve realized this year is that I’ve been measuring my worth as a human by finding validation from others. And in constantly pursuing that validation, not only have I created a soul-sucking cycle of self-doubt and fear of failure, I’ve also created a sort of success dysmorphia. 

I focus on meeting other people’s standards, striving to be noticed and recognized for my work, waiting to be welcomed into the inner circle. Following all the lessons, reaching for each dangling carrot, always believing I’m just three feet from my goal. Somehow always still feeling just shy of good enough.

I’ve let my own business, branding, marketing, and success become almost irrelevant without that outside validation. Like none of what I’ve built for myself even matters if I don’t measure up to someone else’s standard of success, or the newly designated level of “important.”  I’ve supported other businesses to the point of disregarding my own. I’ve procrastinated doing my own dream projects because I’m so focused on hitting all the marks to reach the vision that’s been painted, not just in my head but by other people. I’ve jumped on big opportunities and received recognition in amazing ways this year…thinking “it” was finally happening. And then realizing what I thought was next, wasn’t next at all. 

The critical tipping point for me was just this spring realizing I was so stressed and disappointed by the lack of follow up and follow through, again, that I’ve relapsed into an autoimmune flare. I’ve literally made myself sick trying to reach something designed to be unobtainable. 

I’m not laying blame or pointing fingers. I jumped heart first into where I am, and I’ve learned a ton of valuable lessons along the way. I think our current social media culture, especially in my industry, is at a dumpster fire level of toxicity. And I’m sure a lifetime of buried trauma has left me wide open to this type of emotional hamster wheel. 

But here’s the rub. When you show up over and over again, buying into the vision of what’s to come, you’re coached to keep showing up, and you’re told that your name is spoken in “rooms of opportunity,” it’s easy to keep saying yes. I’m glad I got to experience the things I did this year. It made me realize I am meant to lead, to train, to speak on stage and share my heart and the lessons I’ve learned throughout my life and career. 

But now I’m doing it on my own terms, in a way that supports my life, my business, my dreams, and is in complete, authentic alignment with who I am.  If I’m going to do the work, I want to reap the benefits. I’ve outsourced my self-worth for years, and I’m tired of being the “pick me girl.”  This time I choose myself.